≡ Menu

I start to write this piece with some caution, not because I’m afraid to voice my views but because everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs and as someone once said, “you can please all of the people some of the time but you’ll never please all of the people all of the time!”  A reader of these pages contacted and said I have strong political views but what were my opinions and thoughts on God, the creator?  So here goes.

When I was growing up my parents had opposing outlooks on religion, my mother was a church attending believer, while my dad thought the whole idea a waste of time.   When my mother insisted we attended church and then Sunday school dad did his level best to dissuade her, of course he lost the argument and off we went every Sunday morning to attend St. Thomas on the Bourne church.  Bearing in mind, the we was mum, me and my brother Nigel.  The other five of the seven children were either too young or not yet born.  So for one year we walked the the mile or so up the lane every Sunday, attended church, then walked back again for lunch and then later in the afternoon, tea.  That’ll be a real tea, sandwiches and cakes, all sat at the family dining table.

During that year mum made the decision, or had been planning it for some time, one of her sons was to become a vicar and as her eldest son, that task was going to fall on me! My early years were a mixture of mum telling me not to fight and to “turn the other cheek” and my dad telling me  “If someone picks on you, hit first and ask questions later!” Of course this caused heated discussions between my parents!  Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your point of view, my dad’s business was expanding and he needed the help of his eldest son so, at the age of nine I was seconded to work on various building sites each weekend for the princely sum of two shillings and sixpence, that’s twelve and a half pence in today’s  money, for two days work!  Not every weekend of course but most. So growing up in that environment surrounded by a bunch of swearing, uncouth blokes on a building site sort of removed any thought of religion or church going from my mind.  There’s a lot more to this story but to get the rest of it you’ll have to wait for my book.

Anyway, grow up I did and in 1975 I met my wife and love of my life, Julie.  We married in St Andrews Church in Farnham, Surrey in 1980 and so life began.  Over the coming years Julie had a need for explanation and she gradually explored various religions, she looked at Catholicism, she read about the Hindu, Muslim and Buddist faiths then for no apparent reason only known to her she decided to go and attend our local church, then attend classes to study to be confirmed.  Did I feel the need for that explanation?  No, I’ve always known “things.”  For many years I had experiences which I didn’t really understand at the time but at the same time I was never frightened.  I’ll explain later.

So Julie completed her journey at that time and after quite a few attendances at the local church at her side, after she received her confirmation back into the Christian faith,  I was invited to do the same, I was about 38 at the time.

I duly went along to the first meeting at the vicarage and the vicar asked me a question.  “So do you consider yourself a Christian Kevin?” “A Christian?  Well I guess so” I replied.  “So what gives you the right to think that Kevin?”and then before I could reply “After all we don’t see you in Church do we?” Red Rag to a Bull Time…. “Well no you don’t because Sunday is a family day for me, and believe you me, my time with my family is much more important than spending a couple of hours in a draughty old building with people I don’t know.”  He went to speak but I held my hand up and continued. “I’ve learned in my life that the Church is one of the wealthiest organisations in the world and at times one of the most bigoted, towards each other and other faiths.  So that said I have a set of rules I live by.” “Really?”  came the vicars surprised interjection. “Please share with the rest of us” Did I detect a smirk? No matter, I answered him as honestly and directly as I could without insulting him.  “Reverend, I figure that if someone needs help, If I can, I will.  I took my marriage vows very seriously and I’ve always been faithful, tolerant, worked hard and looked after my wife and children.  You know?  The way I see it you can call me whatever you like but I’ve never done any person a deliberate bad turn.” There were a few sharp intakes of breath from around the room. I continued. “Now if helping people, looking after my family first and not being generally nasty doesn’t make me a Christian then I’ve no room for your God in my life!”  With that I slipped my coat back on and let myself out.  I’ve never been back in any place of “worship” to worship since.  I’ve attended the obligatory weddings and funerals, but never to worship.

I told you earlier I’d explain more about my experiences, some more odd than others.   From an early age I have seen things most people can’t see, not all the time but certainly on many occasions.  I’ve had experiences which at the time seem odd, then suddenly have felt enlightened, not in a religious way but more of a “ah I remember!” Get it?

Julie did her “bit” with the church then over a period of time she became more open and receptive to other ideas, some from Hindu, others from the Muslim faith, more still from Buddhism, she never practised any of them but one day some twenty years ago we sat and talked and talked, just us.  By the time we had finished talking we knew we had been on this earth many times.

Indeed since then I’ve been told by many people I’m an “old spirit.”  This makes sense because I’ve left my body when seriously ill,  I’ve seen people when nobody’s there, I’ve been given messages which I’ve passed on, oh and before you ask I’ve never taken a drug in my life except whatever the doctor has prescribed.   The most important thing is though, I know, yes I know and have known since I was a child that despite all of the hell we humans keep putting each other through, some of us have to keep coming back to try and fix it.  After all even the worst and most evil dictators throughout history thought “God” was on their side in one form or another.

So to answer the question I was originally asked.  “What do I feel about our Creator?”  If his/her  name’s Allah, Buddha, God, these are only names that have been given by man.  Hindu beliefs are probably closest because they encompass the universe.  I’ve certainly never had religion, because wars are fought in the name of “religion”. Religion is an excuse for power and control.

Through those dark days during the last few months of Julie’s life we talked about what we knew and that gave her the confidence to face the pain and the final days.  Do you know what?  She’s always here when I need help.  I’ll finish the book and you can read about it.

There is much much more to be said on this a topic which science cannot explain but in the meantime  I’ll leave the final word to my grandmother Elsie who died from cancer about 16 years ago.  I used to visit her every other day whilst she was in hospital.  I visited her on the Sunday before she died and at leaving time I gave her a cuddle and told her I’d see her on Tuesday.  Her reply?  “No, no point in coming over Tuesday ducky, you’ve a long way to drive.”  “Don’t be silly Nan it’s not a problem”  She smiled then on Tuesday she died…..

Thank you so much for reading.  Leave a comment below. X

 

{ 0 comments }

2016, the first full year without Julie


It’s been a quirky, funny and at times a horrific year.

2016 started less than three months after Julie died after losing her battle with cancer.  In January I made a trip out to Tenerife to stay with our long time friends, Linda and Pete.  The trip was a welcome break from the intensity of caring for Julie, then watching her slip away, her once beautiful body racked and ruined by disease.  Tenerife was my first time travelling abroad alone and it was a strange experience, sitting in Gatwick airport feeling alone amongst the throngs of other passengers, having a coffee without anyone to discuss the forthcoming trip with, just waiting for the boarding gate to be announced.  Once in Tenerife, I was made to feel at home by my lovely friends and it was a welcome and pleasant distraction from the previous three years.

February arrived so Nathan, my son and I set about carrying on with our business,  because without a doubt life has to carry on, doesn’t it? The sheer shock of losing someone so close is never far away though but you get up in the morning and get on with your life.  You laugh and feel guilty, then some days well, you wish there aren’t going to be anymore days.  That of course is selfish, because how would my children react if they were to lose their Dad so soon after their Mum?

March saw a visit to a medium with my friends Bev and Stuart, comforting? Yes, but possibly too soon! My mind was still in a turmoil and many things didn’t register at the time, since then? Well let’s just say the medium was spot on!  March also saw a wedding, Pete and Linda tied the knot in Gibraltar then the party moved on to Tenerife.  It was there I realised that I had taken a real emotional battering.  My confidence had disappeared and usually a planner, I had to “wing it”. That was a difficult time.

Arriving back from Tenerife in early April I felt bruised, not in the physical sense but emotionally, my mind had been constantly spinning and I felt I’d let my two dear friends down. I coped by throwing myself back into work, then towards the end of April I had some more bad news.  Angela, one of Julie’s closest cousins lost her husband to cancer! I’d only met Angela a couple of times but something compelled me to pen a letter to her, I did and felt much better for writing.

During May work as always was busy and weekends were busy too with family, one thing losing someone close teaches you is money is only secondary, it’s time that is the most valuable commodity.  Unlike money, you never know when time is going to run out.  So May was like most other months during my adult life, filled with as much time spending time with my family and grandchildren.

It was Julie’s first birthday without us on June 5th, she would’ve been 58 this year and the way she carried her age before she became ill she probably would only look about 45 had she still have been alive.  We, as a family decided to have a meal together and a small intimate party, the weather was good so we carried on the party into the evening sat in the garden.  Laughter and children filled the garden that day, just the way Julie liked it. Of course June also saw Brexit and the resignation of our Prime Minister.  The “Brexit” vote made me realise and see some of the hatred and selfishness locked away inside people, I watched and was subjected to veiled comments and abuse as a leaver.  I forgive all of those abusers because I know they are frightened and fear tends to bring out the worst in people.

July and August were a mixture of meals at my home for the family and visits to various museums, English Heritage and National Trust properties with my grandsons.  Trust me, boys love cars, castles, cannons and dinosaurs! We made a visit to the Isle of Wight, firstly to Alum Bay, the less said about that the better, it’s a total rip off with run down attractions.  Osborn House, however was a real treat, picnic in the grounds and a walk around Queen Victoria’s retreat, brilliant.  We also made a trip to the Historic Dockyard in Portsmouth and were delighted to find The Mary Rose exhibition had been updated.  Really we made loads of memories this summer, little things which everyone will remember but boy did we do some stuff!!

September of course, saw the first anniversary of Julie’s passing, difficult because that first year is full of “firsts”.  We marked September 7th not by being morose but with a chilli, laughter and lighting candles in the evening.  As September 2016 drew to a close, it was difficult to comprehend that a full year had passed since I lost the love of my life. Oh, and I bought a new car.

October? Well it was busy that’s for sure! Hannah’s birthday, work, just busy and then awaiting the clocks to go back and the darkness to draw in.

November started with a visit to my brothers house for an big ole’ family firework party on the fifth.  Work, as it always does at this time of years ramps up, then tragedy, a phone call from Yvonne, the middle of my three sisters, my lovely brother-in-law, Steve had been killed, cycling home on his way back from work! Another family devastated! Nathan flew to the US for a holiday and thanks to a member of our staff, I ended up working for the following two weeks like a twenty year old!

December 2016. Steves funeral took place early this month then a week later Julie’s dad had a malignant tumour removed from his arm.  Then a milestone, I went out socialising without my family for the first time in probably three years, up until that point I’d just not really wanted to be anywhere apart from home.  Christmas decorations and tree were put up then a week before Christmas I was lucky enough to be invited to attend another wedding, this time it was Stuart and Bev tying the knot, lovely service in the wonderful Rhinefeild House Hotel in the heart of the New Forest.

On Christmas Day I got up at 6am to prepare a meal for Julie’s mum and dad who due to ill health were unable to leave their home, Leah, Hannah and Nathan delivered it along with Simon and the three grandsons, Jack, Archie and Freddie?

Later that Christmas Day, another milestone, I cried for the first time since the birth of my son nearly 27 years ago.  Oh I’d felt like it, but even on the day Julie died the tears just wouldn’t materialise.  I guess all of my life had to be strong for someone?  When the tears came I felt relieved and realised I was still human and miss Julie as much, if not more at these family occasions?.

2016 didn’t finish pushing up surprises, a happier surprise happened on December 31st.  What was it? I’ll tell you about that one in due course. ?

So what did I learn during 2016? Well just when you think you’ve got life under control it throws a curve ball, then another, in fact so many there were times when I struggled to cope but cope I did.  It’s not just me who has to cope though, everywhere I look there are people struggling to cope. I’m lucky though, I write it down and hope someone reads my words and hope the words bring comfort to at least one person who feels the desperation caused by loneliness..

So to anyone who reads this I send you my heartfelt best wishes for 2017, may all of your dreams come true.

As always, thanks for reading?

 

 

 

 

 

{ 1 comment }

Failure or Success?

img_3308Failure and success, two totally different words but how do you interpret them?  Some people think they’ve failed because financial goals haven’t been reached, others judge success by monetary or material means.  Me? I see success as small goals reached, by the amount of response from others positive or negative, because at least someone’s been listening, right? I never judge or assume failure in anyone because I assume they’ve all tried their best and will carry on trying until they feel they’ve achieved.  I feel whoever the person, whatever they do, if they’re happy in their own skin and can sleep at night then they have a right to feel they’ve succeeded.

One thing I’ve learned about people over the last sixty years is we’re all different.  Some can address all the problems and challenges thrown at them by life, I’m one of those, or so I’m told.  Others need to be reassured at every turn and twist.

I’m fortunate, I believe, I’ve succeeded in along with my late wife, Julie, in raising a family who all care for one another and are considerate to their fellow humans.  I’ve  succeeded in getting this far in life without making too many enemies, life’s too short for that!  Oh, there are a few who would disagree but on the whole I’ve lived my life as a good man.  I succeeded in my marriage by standing by my lovely wife who I’d been married to for thirty five years before the cancer snatched her away at fifty seven.

During one of the final conversations we had a couple of days before she died Julie told me “Kev, you’ve been a wonderful father and a lovely husband my darling”.  I replied. “Well sweetie, I figured you did the richer for poorer bit so I did the in sickness and health”  then “Look I know you’re struggling sweet, don’t hang around here for me”  Julie replied, the brave lady she was. “My darling you’re going to have to tell me to go”.  That’s exactly what happened two days later when Julie was struggling to stay with us, I looked at my three children and told them, “you need to tell your mum it’s o.k. to leave”.  More or less as one they gently said.  “Don’t worry Mum, we’ll look after Dad”.  Julie took a final breath and gasped “I love you all”, then she was gone.

Going through that I wasn’t quite so sad, but I felt proud of Julie and pride in our children.  So any time you feel you’re failing, read these humble words I’ve shared, look life in the eye and it will show you the way but never be afraid and see everything you do as a success…..

By the way, if you think there’s a couple of people missing from the photo above, Si was at work and Freddie wasn’t yet born. xxx

Thanks for reading 🙂

 

{ 1 comment }

A New Day, A New Future but did you vote?

June 24th 2016 will go down in the history of the U.K. as the dawn of a new era.  The day over seventeen million of us voted to leave an organisation which has bullied our nation for over forty years. On more than one occasion since 1066 it was up to Britain to stand up to the might of France, Germany, Spain (the usual invasion suspects) and the other twenty four members of the EU.  Since we were taken in to the organisation in 1973 successive prime ministers have battled against the odds while our wealth and industry has been plundered by nations who’ve been trying for centuries to gain access to our coffers.

Our Prime Minister has resigned, a decision I find odd, especially from a man who was so passionate about staying in the EU.  David CameronSurely had Mr Cameron been a true leader he should’ve put his hands up with the battle cry ” the people have spoken, let me lead them forward and rebuild!”

Facebook, Twitter and other social media has been alive with some pretty nasty comments by users in the “remain” camp but people do say some pretty awful things when they’re frightened so I can forgive them.

What I have found discerning though, is the amount of people who have been screaming for a second referendum, many of those quite young and who didn’t bother to register to vote.  Younger people have reacted by blaming older generations for “messing with our future”.  Ironically this is just how I thought when after the referendum in 1975, “progressive thinking” people voted to take us into the then Common Market.  I had voted but the fear of the new and unknown was daunting but we survived and we will again!  Make no mistake, politicians lied back then as well, it’s not a new phenomenon.

July 13th arrived and since the turmoil of the Brexit vote, the panic of a nation seemingly frightened of its own shadow let alone of the rest of the world has been somewhat abated by the appointment of a new prime minister, Theresa May.  web-theresa-may-paPrime Minister May has a difficult task ahead, re-uniting the Conservative party and ensuring the U.K. exits the EU on the best terms possible.  Her first speech on the steps of No 10 was, I thought, asserted and broad in its content appealing to people across the country.  If she is able to put the words into action she will put a divided nations trust back into politicians and impress the rest of the world.

So what have we learned from the past three weeks?  I feel that democracy is still alive and kicking.  I feel our citizens have strong political views.  I know I’ve probably lost a few friends because of mine, but I ask this question.  If the the vote had been in favour of remain, would I have accepted the majority decision?  Of course I would because I’m a firm believer in the people of the UK.

Wisdom is only gained by experience, so here’s a little advice from someone who’s lived a little of life.  Everybody and every vote makes a difference, so in future use your vote, then you can criticise. Also learn to accept a decision by a majority because this the way democracy works whether that majority is one, five or ten million.

Enough said on this small part of history, my next blog will be on a much different and less controversial subject, I promise!

As always your comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

{ 0 comments }

Are EU in or Are U out?

For the first time in over forty years we are able to re-shape our future so should we or shouldn’t we?  Here are my thoughts….

We were taken in to the then “Common Market” in 1973 by  then Conservative Prime  Minister Edward Heath.  We didn’t actually have an “in/out vote until after Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson came to power with a minority government in 1974 and held our first ever referendum on June 5th 1975.

Back then, as now, we were bombarded with information from both sides.  The “stay in” camp sales call, as now was “If we don’t stay in then it will be to the deterement of the U.K.” Of course we were presented with all manner of arguments through our mainly black and white T.V.s, newspapers and radios.  So we read and watched and listened to all these pro common market facts.

The “lets get the hell out of here” camp, of course, had a different view and probably an in retrospect, a more prophetic view but it was sold to us voters by politicians who had spent a fair amount of time 20 or so years previously fighting the Germans and Italians.  One such politician grabbed my attention his name was Enoch Powell.

Brigadier Enoch Powell MBE served as an intelligence officer in the army from 1940-1945 so he had a pretty good idea of how the mind of your average European politician worked wether French, Italian, German or Spanish.  Mr Powell had made a speech in 1968 about immigration and how it could affect the security of our nation. It wasn’t received well by parliament and became known as “The Rivers of Blood Speech” deemed racist by many.  I was only 12 when he made that speech but I formed an opinion so when seven years later he was campaigning against the common market, I listened.

The general concencus of the older generation and Mr Powell in 1975 was the French and Germans couldn’t beat us and get their hands on our wealth or destroy our sovereignty through war (don’t forget the last time we were conquered was in 1066), then they’d get it by “diplomacy”.

You see, Europe really was Europe back then.  Russia was the Soviet Union and most of the poorer Eastern European countries had been annexed by the Soviets, in fact part of Germany had been taken as part of the treaty signed at the end of Second World War when the “spoils” were divided up.

In 1975, we had our own problems in this country, we were in the middle of our own (self inflicted) war on terrorism with Northern Ireland, our economy and industry was being destroyed steadily by the iron grip of the trades unions, so I guess the pro-marketeers had a point too but joining the common market didn’t solve these problems.

In the case of Ireland, even though the politicians will take the credit, the peace process was galvanised when the women turned on their men because they’d had enough of seeing their young men killed fighting each other and the English. Not a result of European legislation.

Again, it hasn’t been European legislation that has re-built our economy but the sheer hard work, sensibility and determination of the inhabitants of our island nation, arguably mainly conservative grit when taking a stand against unions in the past but not European legislation!

Was Enoch Powell right when he gave his “rivers of blood speech”? Warning all of the dangers of open borders and mass immigration? I cite Paris and Brussels as the most recent examples.

So, I listened and voted no in 1975, I’ve been listening to all the arguments pro and cons in 2016 but this time I’ve an added weapon, hindsight! Yes hindsight!  With this valuable information and for the good of my children and grandchildren and for the good of your children and grandchildren I shall be voting to leave the corrupt organisation of Europe which calls itself a “union” and I urge all of you to do the same!

Remember change isn’t always bad, sometimes if you change your life it gets better, believe in yourselves?

Thanks for reading?

 

 

{ 1 comment }

Weekends and reflection

It’s a funny old thing living without your wife, you tend to eat alone, think your thoughts alone without anyone to discuss them with, in fact everything you do on a daily basis you’re alone unless you’ve a supportive family.  Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have that support.

Julie and I always nurtured our family, not because we wanted anything else but for them to grow into well rounded, loving human beings.  Luckily we succeeded, not by design but by accident really.  Sure, Julie read all of the “parenting” books but none of them really prepare you for the task ahead.

So what has this to do with being a widower?  Last weekend I spent a couple of days ripping my eldest daughter, Leah and her husbands’ garden apart to remodel it to make it grandson friendly.  This weekend I spent Saturday with Leah and my two youngest grandsons first at an aviation museum in Tangmere ( let’s face it, all boys like aeroplanes, right?) then on to Porchester Castle because all boys like castles too!

Sunday morning, the younger of my two girls, Hannah and her partner Matt pay a visit with his two daughters (eldest grandson Jack is with his father for the weekend).  Then off to Julie’s mum and dads for lunch, back around 3.30pm to sit and write my first blog for several weeks.

So what has all this to do with being a Widower?  It makes you feel wanted when you feel empty! I’ve met people from all walks of life throughout my 60 plus years and one thing I’ve learnt about folk is they really care only about there own lives because basically it’s human nature to do so! Do I blame them?  Of course not, so I try to live my life quietly and within my family circle which includes a few friends too.  One thing I know though, my life although filled with sadness has purpose in the future.

When you lose someone you’ve been with for two thirds of your life you change.  Your outlook on life changes and somehow I’d like to be able to imprint my life knowledge into others.  I’d like to tell politicians to stop pulling the wool over our eyes.  I’d like to remind doctors that in years past, a medical career was a vocation albeit well paid.  I’d like to remind big organisations, their staff are what makes their companies, not the greedy shareholders.

Finally I’d like to share a little spiritual knowledge, in the light of the upcoming EU referendum:

Change is not something to be frightened of, but, something to be embraced and used to your own advantage and to the advantage of others.

 

 

{ 0 comments }

Married on the Rock (1)

image
See this? This is the famous rock of Gibraltar.  This tiny outpost of the British Empire has stood guard not only over the entrance to the Mediterranean Sea, commonly known as the Straits of Gibraltar,  but also the Bay of Gibraltar, guarding against the Spanish, the Moors, the Germans and whoever knows what else.

In my family “The Rock” is also famous for a darker reason, for this is where my father was convicted of attempted murder in the mid 1950s. Now my Dad although violent wasn’t a man who would go out and look for trouble, it sort of came to him.  A bunch of Spaniards made the mistake of calling him “a filthy English bastard” so he put about, with a little help from his mate, 15 or so of them in hospital, with varying degrees of injuries from a mere broken arm to a more serious “in a wheelchair”.  The only fact which saved him from the gallows was he was a Submariner and his skipper stood his corner and Mr Atkins senior took his punishment like a man!  His punishment? He had to scrub the gallows everyday for six months.  Not a story to be proud of but when Dad told it was funny.

Back to today, after being held on the apron of Heathrow Airport for nearly an hour thanks to French Air Traffic Control, I arrived in Gibraltar then at The Rock Hotel.

imageAfter unpacking, I set about the tasks I had set myself for the first day. First to find the registry office,  so Linda can get the paperwork in order for the forthcoming wedding.  Mission complete!  Next have a mooch around to find a suitable place for photographs, no problem there either, there’s a botanical gardens just across the road from the hotel?.  Finally to find a restaurant away from the hotel as hotel food tends to be pretty basic and “samey”.  Hmm, now that proved to be more of a problem. As in the UK today it’s Easter Sunday and most, not all, eateries seemed to be closed!  Off course the usual suspects like Burger King and Costa Coffee were open but who wants that? Certainly not this traveller.

Then after crossing the square, going under an arch, I found a suitable candidate, Goucho’s.  Now this restaurant has all I was looking for, meat, poultry, salad and fish also, importantly atmosphere and character.  I decided upon a starter which would be difficult to cook, Argentinian Morcilla (fried black pudding on lettuce with balsamic vinegar). Not bad but I’ve tasted better but there are a lot more started to choose from so I give the starter 4/5.  For my main I went for fresh caught Dorada, sautéed potatoes, with a side of blue cheese filled beef tomato.  The fish was plump, juicy and cooked to perfection, it fell off the bone, the dish was excellent, 5/5.  This will be the restaurant of choice during my stay I think?.  Washed down with an excellent glass of Spanish red wine and a bottle of fizzy water, good attentive service and a price tag of £33.00, well worth the walk!

Watch out for further updates on my travels over the coming days, Thanks for reading?????

{ 0 comments }

“Synchronicity”

I learned last Friday one of my relatives passed over.  You get to a certain stage of your life and it’s true, you do go to more funerals than weddings.   My cousin, Michelle contacted me to let me know her mum,  my Aunt Mary moved to the next life early on that Friday morning.

I hadn’t seen Mary for maybe forty years, so was it coincidence on the Tuesday of the same week I had told someone about a period during my early life while still at school, when I lived in her home?  No it wasn’t,  it was synchronicity, that little thing that drives the universe, call it fate, karma, whatever you want, if you know about synchronicity you start to understand life and the way it works.

My heart goes out to Michelle, her older brother Vic and her sister Val because their mum had been both mum and dad since the mid 1960’s when their father, my uncle Vic, died after battling cancer.  So Mary has moved on now and as hard as it seems my three cousins, life goes on and you’ll never forget her and you’ll always love her.  Nor will she ever leave you entirely, she’ll always be there to guide you when you need guiding, influence your decisions when you’re undecided and love you when you feel unloved.

This is what synchronicity is and does, it not only drives this life but all life, before, now and future, pulling together little things that match then gluing them together, making life go on and be purposeful.  Hard to believe with so much pain, horror and greed throughout the world?

Thanks for reading?

{ 0 comments }

Life As A Widower 2 (6 months on)

IMG_0069I can’t believe it was six months ago today the love of my life for forty years, Julie, died from cancer.  Do I miss her?  You bet I do, she’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to  sleep.  Only someone whose been through this would understand and I hope although against hope you won’t have to live through this experience, although unfortunately life dictates a good percentage of you will.

Luckily my family are all grown up, although I’m unsure whether this makes it harder or easier for  them,  my two lovely daughters, Leah and Hannah and my son Nathan have been and still are very supportive along with their respective partners, Simon, Leah’s husband, Matt, Hannah’s partner and the lovely Georgia, Nathan’s fiancée.  photo(29)These six, along with my three grandsons, Jack, Archie and Freddie are the main focus of my life, as they too need support from time to time of course.

So what about me?  Well I went to Tenerife in January to visit my long time friends, Linda and Peter, Julie and I had some great times with them and they’re the sort who no matter how much time between  talking or seeing each other, we just pick up where we left off.  I’m off to Gibraltar on March 27th to meet them and to be best man at their wedding on the 30th at The Rock Hotel 🙂  Then back to Tenerife for more celebrations, really looking forward to that trip!  I love the island, I’m able to sit and write without disturbance and have been able to concentrate on my first novel, “Soulmates” which is, apparently, so I’m told, turning into a really good read!

In November I’m flying to Florida with Nathan, Georgia and her parents to look over the wedding venue with them ready for 2018, looking forward to that trip too. 🙂

I’ve learned changing my bedding and fighting the duvet cover every week is a much better workout than jogging.  I’ve found I can deal with almost any problem now because life’s too short to tolerate most of the bureaucratic bullshit that confronts us all throughout our daily lives.  I’ve also learned to say no whenever I feel I’m being taken advantage of.

I’ve found out I’ve high cholesterol, high blood pressure and may be diabetic which is quite strange really because I cook and eat healthily, and I’m always active.  So armed with information, I eat more fruit, don’t take sugar in my coffee and only drink red wine generally at weekends.  I’ve also cut out the medication which treated me for depression, (before I lost Julie and not as a result of).  Do I feel better?  I don’t know, what I do know though is now life has a certain clarity to it, the sort of clarity which makes you unafraid to forge ahead, not be coerced into doing things I don’t want to do just to please.

Are there things I miss apart from my wife?   I miss travelling with her, her witty conversation, her wry humour, companionship, her undivided love.

The one thing I don’t miss?  Julie and I were instrumental in setting up a comedy drama group twenty years ago, did they support her when she was ill, no.  In fact I had to go to a meeting and explain to them how ill Julie was and still they expected us to go down and “help”, they expected me to go and build sets, even when she was having chemotherapy and dying.  Well members of that drama group, I hope you all can live with yourselves, maybe now you believe just how ill she was!  You know the beauty of not naming them is they know who they are, they have to live with themselves because when we resigned from the group due to Julie’s illness, we were never even offered a lifetime pass even though for many years Julie and I worked hard for the group, many times at financial cost to ourselves.  In Julie’s words “Fuck ’em, they’re all up their own arses and have to live with themselves”

Being a widower (or a widow) I guess,  sends you into a world of sometimes darkness, sometimes despair, loneliness at times when you miss the love of your life,  but I think also a voyage of self discovery until you meet the love of your life once more xxxx

Thanks for  reading 🙂

{ 1 comment }

“BREXIT” Bullies?

I posted on Facebook this week regarding the threats from the French Leadership saying they would ensure the UK would suffer the consequences of EU exit by opening up the borders in Calais thus flooding our country with migrants.  They, (and David Cameron) seem to have overlooked the contents of the 1991 Canterbury Treaty, this 24 page document was brought to my attention by my lovely niece Rebecca Goodson, who having studied politics and obviously concentrated on her subject,  remembered the contents of the said treaty.  It’s far too long to post on this Blog but here’s the link:-

https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/273131/2366.pdf

It’s worth a read because as Rebecca points out, The 1991 Canterbury Treaty is legally binding, thanks Becca 🙂

The French also threatened to entice banks and business to their already over taxed country, as a businessman, I can’t envisage any company wishing to pay 60% corporation tax when the rate in the UK is 20% less, can you?

German motor manufacturer BMW have also been in the news this week, writing to their UK employees.  It starts:

“The decision on whether to stay in the EU or not is for British voters to decide on in June. The BMW Group and Rolls-Royce Motor Cars believe that the UK is better as a member of the EU than it would be outside it.” It continues:

“Finally, we get a significant benefit from the easy movement of our people between the UK and Europe. This allows the rapid transfer of expert knowledge throughout Rolls-Royce Motor Cars and BMW Group networks, building the skill level of our UK workforce. Our employment base could also be affected, with skilled men and women from most EU countries included in the 30 nationalities currently represented at the Home of Rolls-Royce here at Goodwood”

The whole of the letter can be read online but I draw this conclusion, BMW are making veiled threats to their employees, a typical action from the other half of a bullying duo made up of Germany and France!  An alliance only interested in ensuring the longevity of their own countries.  Sound familiar? Shades of the past?

I apologise to any of my German, French and Spanish friends, as I don’t place you in the same bucket as the above minority of your countrymen.

I ask our government, politicians, indeed all parties, to lay out honestly the pros and the cons of leaving the EU.  Not to further their own careers, nor to court popularity but for once be totally transparent because this is not about you alone but the future of your children as well as ours!

Finally on this subject, there has been an awful lot of talk about the threat to national security.  Don’t forget we are still members of NATO, as are France and Germany and by association, most of Europe.  So what changes?  Not much.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

{ 0 comments }