Category Archives: Day to Day Life

Now I Know Why I Learned To Write At School

If ten, or even five years ago you anyone told me I would class my self as a writer I’d have laughed out loud.  Oh yes I’ve always been capable of writing a letter but then I come from a generation who had to put pen to paper because I come from a time before the digital age.

I come from a time when you were taught first to learn the alphabet, then to read words.  Once you could identify the letters then the teacher would teach you to form and write those letters, first with a pencil, then once she (or he) felt you were ready the teacher gave you permission to write with an ink pen.   No, not a fountain pen, a “scratch” pen.  A scratch pen was a development of the quill pen, you dipped it in the ink well, if you loaded the pen with too much ink then it flooded on to the piece work and you’d be throwing your work into the bin.  However if you managed to write those words, you had the exciting task of using your blotting paper to quick dry your masterpiece.

Once you’d mastered the task of holding the correct amount of ink on your pen, then the teachers task was to impart the skills of “handwriting”., the skill of writing words on paper which were legible to others and I emphasise legible.  I loved handwriting, it’s a form of art, to form circles coupled with lines, dots and squiggles into letters, then words your fellow humans and peers can understand is uplifting.

Then years later I met Julie and the art of composing a letter with words which conveyed feeling and love became a welcome task for a man who struggled to impart his feelings verbally.  Julie and I used to write to each other all throughout our lives even though we knew each other inside out.  I’d find little notes hidden in my lunchbox or tucked into my pocket. If more couples wrote to each other, even while in a relationship would it lower the divorce rate!? Possibly!  A letter enabled me to tell Julie exactly how and what I felt, her final letter to me I opened about six weeks after her untimely death, her words bought me untold comfort.

After Julie’s passing I resolved to write our story, warts and all, honestly and with passion.  I never quite knew how hard at times this project would be.  Writers block, only can work out of the country, never get the time are all excuses I’ve used to try and convince myself I’ve not got the confidence to finish the book, until recently.  Suddenly I seem to have had an epiphany!  I’ve realised I need to put all of the words reeling around in a mess in my head into order and on paper.  I’ve written so much, it’s been proof read and well received.  I’ve tapped my keyboard until four in the morning and had to make myself retire to my bed only to find I’ve needed to jot down more words in my notebook.  Obsessed?  I guess so, there’s a sense of urgency because I’ve more books planned and so little time.

After writing all of the above though I think I owe my ability to write to the love of my life for she was literate, accomplished and published.  I feel she has taken over a part of my being and whenever I write, Julie is there whispering in my ear. 😊

The moral of this piece?  Maybe the old ways are sometimes the best, don’t buy your children an expensive video game console, buy them a pencil and notepad, who knows what they’ll write but you’ll be very proud and they’ll be a lot calmer.

Thanks for reading as always 😎

Donald Trump, The Petulant Child

No, this piece isn’t about a member of my family, but an adult who is the “leader” of the free world, Donald Trump, President of the United States of America.

All the way through Trump’s campaign I was tweeting and posting various warnings, not because I’ve a right to vote in the USA, not because I’ve a right to comment on the choices made by the American people and not because I had any preference to Hilary Clinton.  I was the first one to criticise Barrack Obama for voicing his powerful opinion on “Brexit”.  No, I was commenting on the far right tendencies shown from at that time, the potential leader of the free world.

Mr Trump is not a self made man but the son of a wealthy property owners.  He took charge of the family property firm Elizabeth Trump & Son in 1971.  Trump then went on to build on the companies’ success and later renamed the firm The Trump Organisation.  Nothing wrong so far, many successful people have had a privileged start in life.

So where has the USA gone from being respected throughout most of our world thanks to Barrack Obama and most other preceding presidents, with the exception of Richard Nixon I suspect, to a country which from the outside at least looks like 1930s Germany?  How do the millions of intelligent voters of this great country get taken in by a bullying man who seemingly flouts every political correct phrase and whips up his supporters into a frenzy?  Simple, Donald Trump is nothing more than an attention seeking, manipulative salesman just like the double glazing or solar panel salesmen of previous years in the UK!  This type of person who will not have his product criticised, he will tell you over and over again, no matter what argument you offer, his product is the best!  The only way to stop him talking is to throw him out of your home!

Donald Trump, like Adolf Hitler, has tapped into the mood of the nation at a time when many people feel disillusioned.  In Germany at the time of Hitler’s rise to power, the disillusionment was a result of a world war, high unemployment, rampant inflation and general lack of national self esteem.  Hitler blamed the rest of the world, the press and the Jewish community for manipulating the economy, Hitler also flouted international law by re-arming Germany.  In its simplest form this made the German leader a hero, not because he wanted world domination but because he created jobs for the people and this in turn put food in their bellies and created a false sense of security.

America’s current problems not only bear many similarities to those of Germany’s 75 years ago but also reflect current worldwide problems because many countries have economic, immigration and employment issues.  It’s how the problem is dealt with which counts.  Of course there are many countries which deal with their problems through oppression of free speech, these nations tend to marginalise themselves from other more liberal countries.  However it’s either spoken or written, dictatorship, be it in the east or west is the same, it separates and divides communities.

Donald Trump is gradually revealing all of the unpleasant qualities of a dictator.  Marginalisation of minorities,  banning members of the press corps who ask difficult questions, changing his answers when questioned on world affairs and refusing to believe research which points towards world events that will affect America just as much as the rest of the world.

Former president Obama must awake every morning and look with despair at his country and the uneducated language used by his successor , then hope the Americans who are raising their voices against President Trump will prevail.

I fear this petulant man will destroy all of the good America has stood for during his term.  Whipping up racial tensions. ignoring warnings of climate change, moving away from the role of “world policeman” and trying to put down and silence members of the press who dare to disagree with his comments.

President Trump,  America is seen not only a vast business but also a role model for for freedom and respect.  As an Englishman, a European and a member of the free world I appeal to you don’t destroy all that has gone before.

Thanks as always for reading.

 

 

2016, the first full year without Julie


It’s been a quirky, funny and at times a horrific year.

2016 started less than three months after Julie died after losing her battle with cancer.  In January I made a trip out to Tenerife to stay with our long time friends, Linda and Pete.  The trip was a welcome break from the intensity of caring for Julie, then watching her slip away, her once beautiful body racked and ruined by disease.  Tenerife was my first time travelling abroad alone and it was a strange experience, sitting in Gatwick airport feeling alone amongst the throngs of other passengers, having a coffee without anyone to discuss the forthcoming trip with, just waiting for the boarding gate to be announced.  Once in Tenerife, I was made to feel at home by my lovely friends and it was a welcome and pleasant distraction from the previous three years.

February arrived so Nathan, my son and I set about carrying on with our business,  because without a doubt life has to carry on, doesn’t it? The sheer shock of losing someone so close is never far away though but you get up in the morning and get on with your life.  You laugh and feel guilty, then some days well, you wish there aren’t going to be anymore days.  That of course is selfish, because how would my children react if they were to lose their Dad so soon after their Mum?

March saw a visit to a medium with my friends Bev and Stuart, comforting? Yes, but possibly too soon! My mind was still in a turmoil and many things didn’t register at the time, since then? Well let’s just say the medium was spot on!  March also saw a wedding, Pete and Linda tied the knot in Gibraltar then the party moved on to Tenerife.  It was there I realised that I had taken a real emotional battering.  My confidence had disappeared and usually a planner, I had to “wing it”. That was a difficult time.

Arriving back from Tenerife in early April I felt bruised, not in the physical sense but emotionally, my mind had been constantly spinning and I felt I’d let my two dear friends down. I coped by throwing myself back into work, then towards the end of April I had some more bad news.  Angela, one of Julie’s closest cousins lost her husband to cancer! I’d only met Angela a couple of times but something compelled me to pen a letter to her, I did and felt much better for writing.

During May work as always was busy and weekends were busy too with family, one thing losing someone close teaches you is money is only secondary, it’s time that is the most valuable commodity.  Unlike money, you never know when time is going to run out.  So May was like most other months during my adult life, filled with as much time spending time with my family and grandchildren.

It was Julie’s first birthday without us on June 5th, she would’ve been 58 this year and the way she carried her age before she became ill she probably would only look about 45 had she still have been alive.  We, as a family decided to have a meal together and a small intimate party, the weather was good so we carried on the party into the evening sat in the garden.  Laughter and children filled the garden that day, just the way Julie liked it. Of course June also saw Brexit and the resignation of our Prime Minister.  The “Brexit” vote made me realise and see some of the hatred and selfishness locked away inside people, I watched and was subjected to veiled comments and abuse as a leaver.  I forgive all of those abusers because I know they are frightened and fear tends to bring out the worst in people.

July and August were a mixture of meals at my home for the family and visits to various museums, English Heritage and National Trust properties with my grandsons.  Trust me, boys love cars, castles, cannons and dinosaurs! We made a visit to the Isle of Wight, firstly to Alum Bay, the less said about that the better, it’s a total rip off with run down attractions.  Osborn House, however was a real treat, picnic in the grounds and a walk around Queen Victoria’s retreat, brilliant.  We also made a trip to the Historic Dockyard in Portsmouth and were delighted to find The Mary Rose exhibition had been updated.  Really we made loads of memories this summer, little things which everyone will remember but boy did we do some stuff!!

September of course, saw the first anniversary of Julie’s passing, difficult because that first year is full of “firsts”.  We marked September 7th not by being morose but with a chilli, laughter and lighting candles in the evening.  As September 2016 drew to a close, it was difficult to comprehend that a full year had passed since I lost the love of my life. Oh, and I bought a new car.

October? Well it was busy that’s for sure! Hannah’s birthday, work, just busy and then awaiting the clocks to go back and the darkness to draw in.

November started with a visit to my brothers house for an big ole’ family firework party on the fifth.  Work, as it always does at this time of years ramps up, then tragedy, a phone call from Yvonne, the middle of my three sisters, my lovely brother-in-law, Steve had been killed, cycling home on his way back from work! Another family devastated! Nathan flew to the US for a holiday and thanks to a member of our staff, I ended up working for the following two weeks like a twenty year old!

December 2016. Steves funeral took place early this month then a week later Julie’s dad had a malignant tumour removed from his arm.  Then a milestone, I went out socialising without my family for the first time in probably three years, up until that point I’d just not really wanted to be anywhere apart from home.  Christmas decorations and tree were put up then a week before Christmas I was lucky enough to be invited to attend another wedding, this time it was Stuart and Bev tying the knot, lovely service in the wonderful Rhinefeild House Hotel in the heart of the New Forest.

On Christmas Day I got up at 6am to prepare a meal for Julie’s mum and dad who due to ill health were unable to leave their home, Leah, Hannah and Nathan delivered it along with Simon and the three grandsons, Jack, Archie and Freddie?

Later that Christmas Day, another milestone, I cried for the first time since the birth of my son nearly 27 years ago.  Oh I’d felt like it, but even on the day Julie died the tears just wouldn’t materialise.  I guess all of my life had to be strong for someone?  When the tears came I felt relieved and realised I was still human and miss Julie as much, if not more at these family occasions?.

2016 didn’t finish pushing up surprises, a happier surprise happened on December 31st.  What was it? I’ll tell you about that one in due course. ?

So what did I learn during 2016? Well just when you think you’ve got life under control it throws a curve ball, then another, in fact so many there were times when I struggled to cope but cope I did.  It’s not just me who has to cope though, everywhere I look there are people struggling to cope. I’m lucky though, I write it down and hope someone reads my words and hope the words bring comfort to at least one person who feels the desperation caused by loneliness..

So to anyone who reads this I send you my heartfelt best wishes for 2017, may all of your dreams come true.

As always, thanks for reading?

 

 

 

 

 

A New Day, A New Future but did you vote?

June 24th 2016 will go down in the history of the U.K. as the dawn of a new era.  The day over seventeen million of us voted to leave an organisation which has bullied our nation for over forty years. On more than one occasion since 1066 it was up to Britain to stand up to the might of France, Germany, Spain (the usual invasion suspects) and the other twenty four members of the EU.  Since we were taken in to the organisation in 1973 successive prime ministers have battled against the odds while our wealth and industry has been plundered by nations who’ve been trying for centuries to gain access to our coffers.

Our Prime Minister has resigned, a decision I find odd, especially from a man who was so passionate about staying in the EU.  David CameronSurely had Mr Cameron been a true leader he should’ve put his hands up with the battle cry ” the people have spoken, let me lead them forward and rebuild!”

Facebook, Twitter and other social media has been alive with some pretty nasty comments by users in the “remain” camp but people do say some pretty awful things when they’re frightened so I can forgive them.

What I have found discerning though, is the amount of people who have been screaming for a second referendum, many of those quite young and who didn’t bother to register to vote.  Younger people have reacted by blaming older generations for “messing with our future”.  Ironically this is just how I thought when after the referendum in 1975, “progressive thinking” people voted to take us into the then Common Market.  I had voted but the fear of the new and unknown was daunting but we survived and we will again!  Make no mistake, politicians lied back then as well, it’s not a new phenomenon.

July 13th arrived and since the turmoil of the Brexit vote, the panic of a nation seemingly frightened of its own shadow let alone of the rest of the world has been somewhat abated by the appointment of a new prime minister, Theresa May.  web-theresa-may-paPrime Minister May has a difficult task ahead, re-uniting the Conservative party and ensuring the U.K. exits the EU on the best terms possible.  Her first speech on the steps of No 10 was, I thought, asserted and broad in its content appealing to people across the country.  If she is able to put the words into action she will put a divided nations trust back into politicians and impress the rest of the world.

So what have we learned from the past three weeks?  I feel that democracy is still alive and kicking.  I feel our citizens have strong political views.  I know I’ve probably lost a few friends because of mine, but I ask this question.  If the the vote had been in favour of remain, would I have accepted the majority decision?  Of course I would because I’m a firm believer in the people of the UK.

Wisdom is only gained by experience, so here’s a little advice from someone who’s lived a little of life.  Everybody and every vote makes a difference, so in future use your vote, then you can criticise. Also learn to accept a decision by a majority because this the way democracy works whether that majority is one, five or ten million.

Enough said on this small part of history, my next blog will be on a much different and less controversial subject, I promise!

As always your comments are welcomed and appreciated.

Thanks for reading. 🙂

Are EU in or Are U out?

For the first time in over forty years we are able to re-shape our future so should we or shouldn’t we?  Here are my thoughts….

We were taken in to the then “Common Market” in 1973 by  then Conservative Prime  Minister Edward Heath.  We didn’t actually have an “in/out vote until after Labour Prime Minister Harold Wilson came to power with a minority government in 1974 and held our first ever referendum on June 5th 1975.

Back then, as now, we were bombarded with information from both sides.  The “stay in” camp sales call, as now was “If we don’t stay in then it will be to the deterement of the U.K.” Of course we were presented with all manner of arguments through our mainly black and white T.V.s, newspapers and radios.  So we read and watched and listened to all these pro common market facts.

The “lets get the hell out of here” camp, of course, had a different view and probably an in retrospect, a more prophetic view but it was sold to us voters by politicians who had spent a fair amount of time 20 or so years previously fighting the Germans and Italians.  One such politician grabbed my attention his name was Enoch Powell.

Brigadier Enoch Powell MBE served as an intelligence officer in the army from 1940-1945 so he had a pretty good idea of how the mind of your average European politician worked wether French, Italian, German or Spanish.  Mr Powell had made a speech in 1968 about immigration and how it could affect the security of our nation. It wasn’t received well by parliament and became known as “The Rivers of Blood Speech” deemed racist by many.  I was only 12 when he made that speech but I formed an opinion so when seven years later he was campaigning against the common market, I listened.

The general concencus of the older generation and Mr Powell in 1975 was the French and Germans couldn’t beat us and get their hands on our wealth or destroy our sovereignty through war (don’t forget the last time we were conquered was in 1066), then they’d get it by “diplomacy”.

You see, Europe really was Europe back then.  Russia was the Soviet Union and most of the poorer Eastern European countries had been annexed by the Soviets, in fact part of Germany had been taken as part of the treaty signed at the end of Second World War when the “spoils” were divided up.

In 1975, we had our own problems in this country, we were in the middle of our own (self inflicted) war on terrorism with Northern Ireland, our economy and industry was being destroyed steadily by the iron grip of the trades unions, so I guess the pro-marketeers had a point too but joining the common market didn’t solve these problems.

In the case of Ireland, even though the politicians will take the credit, the peace process was galvanised when the women turned on their men because they’d had enough of seeing their young men killed fighting each other and the English. Not a result of European legislation.

Again, it hasn’t been European legislation that has re-built our economy but the sheer hard work, sensibility and determination of the inhabitants of our island nation, arguably mainly conservative grit when taking a stand against unions in the past but not European legislation!

Was Enoch Powell right when he gave his “rivers of blood speech”? Warning all of the dangers of open borders and mass immigration? I cite Paris and Brussels as the most recent examples.

So, I listened and voted no in 1975, I’ve been listening to all the arguments pro and cons in 2016 but this time I’ve an added weapon, hindsight! Yes hindsight!  With this valuable information and for the good of my children and grandchildren and for the good of your children and grandchildren I shall be voting to leave the corrupt organisation of Europe which calls itself a “union” and I urge all of you to do the same!

Remember change isn’t always bad, sometimes if you change your life it gets better, believe in yourselves?

Thanks for reading?

 

 

Weekends and reflection

It’s a funny old thing living without your wife, you tend to eat alone, think your thoughts alone without anyone to discuss them with, in fact everything you do on a daily basis you’re alone unless you’ve a supportive family.  Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have that support.

Julie and I always nurtured our family, not because we wanted anything else but for them to grow into well rounded, loving human beings.  Luckily we succeeded, not by design but by accident really.  Sure, Julie read all of the “parenting” books but none of them really prepare you for the task ahead.

So what has this to do with being a widower?  Last weekend I spent a couple of days ripping my eldest daughter, Leah and her husbands’ garden apart to remodel it to make it grandson friendly.  This weekend I spent Saturday with Leah and my two youngest grandsons first at an aviation museum in Tangmere ( let’s face it, all boys like aeroplanes, right?) then on to Porchester Castle because all boys like castles too!

Sunday morning, the younger of my two girls, Hannah and her partner Matt pay a visit with his two daughters (eldest grandson Jack is with his father for the weekend).  Then off to Julie’s mum and dads for lunch, back around 3.30pm to sit and write my first blog for several weeks.

So what has all this to do with being a Widower?  It makes you feel wanted when you feel empty! I’ve met people from all walks of life throughout my 60 plus years and one thing I’ve learnt about folk is they really care only about there own lives because basically it’s human nature to do so! Do I blame them?  Of course not, so I try to live my life quietly and within my family circle which includes a few friends too.  One thing I know though, my life although filled with sadness has purpose in the future.

When you lose someone you’ve been with for two thirds of your life you change.  Your outlook on life changes and somehow I’d like to be able to imprint my life knowledge into others.  I’d like to tell politicians to stop pulling the wool over our eyes.  I’d like to remind doctors that in years past, a medical career was a vocation albeit well paid.  I’d like to remind big organisations, their staff are what makes their companies, not the greedy shareholders.

Finally I’d like to share a little spiritual knowledge, in the light of the upcoming EU referendum:

Change is not something to be frightened of, but, something to be embraced and used to your own advantage and to the advantage of others.

 

 

“Synchronicity”

I learned last Friday one of my relatives passed over.  You get to a certain stage of your life and it’s true, you do go to more funerals than weddings.   My cousin, Michelle contacted me to let me know her mum,  my Aunt Mary moved to the next life early on that Friday morning.

I hadn’t seen Mary for maybe forty years, so was it coincidence on the Tuesday of the same week I had told someone about a period during my early life while still at school, when I lived in her home?  No it wasn’t,  it was synchronicity, that little thing that drives the universe, call it fate, karma, whatever you want, if you know about synchronicity you start to understand life and the way it works.

My heart goes out to Michelle, her older brother Vic and her sister Val because their mum had been both mum and dad since the mid 1960’s when their father, my uncle Vic, died after battling cancer.  So Mary has moved on now and as hard as it seems my three cousins, life goes on and you’ll never forget her and you’ll always love her.  Nor will she ever leave you entirely, she’ll always be there to guide you when you need guiding, influence your decisions when you’re undecided and love you when you feel unloved.

This is what synchronicity is and does, it not only drives this life but all life, before, now and future, pulling together little things that match then gluing them together, making life go on and be purposeful.  Hard to believe with so much pain, horror and greed throughout the world?

Thanks for reading?

Rest, relaxation and clarity

Arriving at Tenerife airport to see my longtime friends Peter, Linda and Matilda, their new baby imagehas been the highlight of the last very dark months.  Julie and I would have liked to have come back sooner but of course that was never to be.

Thursday was a day of conversation, wine and catching up, it’s a rare thing in life when after not seeing each other for so many years, you’re able to just pick up where you left off.  Pete, being the straight talking Yorkshire man he is greeted me with “bloody hell Acky you’ve put on some weight!” “Mate, I’m back to the weight I was when I got married” I laughed in reply before proceeding to take the Micky out of his new haircut. Linda unfortunately has laryngitis, which of course is not so good, except for Pete ??.  She seems to be ok but I think she is suffering more than she is letting on, all in all though they both seem pretty good and the Canarian lifestyle definitely agrees with them. ?

Look at the picture, how can you not feel good when you wake up to this every morning! image

Julie and I had planned to live in the canaries when we finally stopped work.  The only selfish dream we had was to move out here and merge with the cosmopolitan, less violent population and live our days out.  Julie, my darling, visiting our friends, has given me new resolve to live out our dream here albeit without you in body, I know you’ll be by my side all the way whatever I decide.

My talents are varied and plentiful, so if I can rebuild my life on this beautiful island, while writing my long planned novel I shall do just that.   The flowers are always in bloom, the people friendly and the sun shines most of the time.  If I can’t produce a written piece under these circumstances then I probably never will……????

Thanks for reading ???

2016 a New Year, a New Start

IMG_0102I picked this photo up this year off the web, the words describe perfectly the life I lived with Julie.  We laughed even through the hard times we had when we were younger.  We cared for not only our own children, but also worried for our extended family when they were facing their own battles.

We felt a sense of loyalty to our friends with some of the activities we were involved in, many times putting our own lives and work second to ensure they got the enjoyment they expected.  Sometimes this was appreciated but as we came to learn, many of those “friends” actually just take without thinking of those around, preferring to whisper and jibe, not realising or understanding the emotional wounds they inflict.

However, as you get older you realise you have a number of extremely close friends, those who will just come and sit for a couple of hours just talking about life because they know every little helps, some who you see on a daily basis, quite a few who you’ve sat with and listened to their problems and a few who, no matter how great the distance, will always be there for you.  Thank you to all of you, both family and friends for understanding and for being there over the last couple of years, you all helped Julie and I to cope and face what life threw at us, even though the outcome was tragic.

Enough of the past!  What about the future?  I’ve resolved to make some changes in my life!  I’m fortunate to have a couple of very close friends in Tenerife, so finally on the 7th of January I’m going to pay them a long overdue visit because Julie’s illness prevented her from traveling any distance.  IMG_3945Linda and Peter became longtime friends when both Julie and I, (then later our daughters, Leah and Hannah) worked for them at  local (now a housing development) pub they were running about twenty years ago.  We had a lot of laughs along with the other staff during our time there.  With their “anything is possible” attitude, they built an esablishment which became the “go to destination” throughout the year.  Was it hard work? Yes, but it was one of the most enjoyable times of our lives.

In Julie’s final letter to me, which I opened about three weeks after she died, she wrote “Do all the things we’d planned my darling, travel and go fishing, I’ll be with you don’t worry!” “When you sit in our beautiful garden (I’m not doing that as sit in my office writing, it’s raining and windy!), I’ll be there holding your hand.  Wherever you are, don’t forget, I’m just in another room”

So 2016, I’m going to travel.  I’m going to take more photographs.  I’m going to write more, including my blog and the story of my life before and with Julie and of the struggles we faced and overcame together and with our family.  The story of two people who were real soulmates.

Watch this space and thank you for reading XXX

 

 

Adapting To Life…..As A Widower

Now heading into my fourth month without Julie, how am I coping?  Well ok I suppose, life has to go on.  I’ve children and grandchildren to think about so giving up has never been an option.  I’ve always been methodical so keeping house is straightforward, of course I did that when Julie was alive.

Cooking too, not an issue, I cook for myself and for Nathan and his fiancé, Georgia, so no problems there, plenty of veg and so on.  Even when they aren’t around I cook. Washing, cleaning, yep the whole nine yards.

Little things make a difference now, like when Nathan and Georgia sit downstairs and talk. When Hannah texts and tells me she loves me, when Leah tells me the boys are missing their Grandad.  I spent an evening with some friends in the New Forest recently, a meal, wine and conversation?.  Then last Sunday, another long term friend, Doctor Sam came for a coffee and chat.  When she dropped me a text a couple of days earlier I found a spring in my step because she was coming.  We had coffee and talked, not about anything in particular, but just a general catchup.  It’s all of those little instances and episodes that lighten my heavy heart.

Conversation with Julie, now I really miss talking to Julie!  Julie and I could sit and talk for hours about all sorts of things.  We could talk about anything and everything, only couples who really “click” can do that.  In fact as I write this I’m drinking tea out of one of her favourite mugs which had the words “everyone is entitled to my opinion” imprinted on it.  To be fair she wasn’t opinionated, she was intelligent and funny!

My children all are very supportive, of course they would be, we’re all code and they miss their mum, but as I tell them, “You’ve your own lives to lead so don’t waste your time, live it!”

So really where am I?  I feel empty, like my reason for being has gone.  I feel numb, like I’m looking from the outside in. I feel guilty because I’ve not shed a tear, so maybe I’m in some delayed state of shock?

Finally I feel anger because no one will ever convince me that had the consultant at the Queen Alexandra Hospital, a certain Mr Gollund, been more efficient and not misdiagnosed Julie’s cancer, then treated her for a fibroid, then Julie would still be here!? Thank god he “mysteriously?”retired on the day the surgeons removed a tumour the size of a six month old foetus from Julie while giving her the hysterectomy he should have recommended two years before.  Mr Gollund, thank you for depriving my grandsons of their Nana, thank you for depriving my children of their mother, thank you for depriving Julie’s parents of their only daughter! Thank you for destroying the dreams Julie and I had!  You’re inefficiency has hurt so many ?.

If you’re reading this, thanks for being my therapist and thanks for reading ????