Now heading into my fourth month without Julie, how am I coping? Well ok I suppose, life has to go on. I’ve children and grandchildren to think about so giving up has never been an option. I’ve always been methodical so keeping house is straightforward, of course I did that when Julie was alive.
Cooking too, not an issue, I cook for myself and for Nathan and his fiancé, Georgia, so no problems there, plenty of veg and so on. Even when they aren’t around I cook. Washing, cleaning, yep the whole nine yards.
Little things make a difference now, like when Nathan and Georgia sit downstairs and talk. When Hannah texts and tells me she loves me, when Leah tells me the boys are missing their Grandad. I spent an evening with some friends in the New Forest recently, a meal, wine and conversation?. Then last Sunday, another long term friend, Doctor Sam came for a coffee and chat. When she dropped me a text a couple of days earlier I found a spring in my step because she was coming. We had coffee and talked, not about anything in particular, but just a general catchup. It’s all of those little instances and episodes that lighten my heavy heart.
Conversation with Julie, now I really miss talking to Julie! Julie and I could sit and talk for hours about all sorts of things. We could talk about anything and everything, only couples who really “click” can do that. In fact as I write this I’m drinking tea out of one of her favourite mugs which had the words “everyone is entitled to my opinion” imprinted on it. To be fair she wasn’t opinionated, she was intelligent and funny!
My children all are very supportive, of course they would be, we’re all code and they miss their mum, but as I tell them, “You’ve your own lives to lead so don’t waste your time, live it!”
So really where am I? I feel empty, like my reason for being has gone. I feel numb, like I’m looking from the outside in. I feel guilty because I’ve not shed a tear, so maybe I’m in some delayed state of shock?
Finally I feel anger because no one will ever convince me that had the consultant at the Queen Alexandra Hospital, a certain Mr Gollund, been more efficient and not misdiagnosed Julie’s cancer, then treated her for a fibroid, then Julie would still be here!? Thank god he “mysteriously?”retired on the day the surgeons removed a tumour the size of a six month old foetus from Julie while giving her the hysterectomy he should have recommended two years before. Mr Gollund, thank you for depriving my grandsons of their Nana, thank you for depriving my children of their mother, thank you for depriving Julie’s parents of their only daughter! Thank you for destroying the dreams Julie and I had! You’re inefficiency has hurt so many ?.
If you’re reading this, thanks for being my therapist and thanks for reading ????