Tag Archives: Widower

Weekends and reflection

It’s a funny old thing living without your wife, you tend to eat alone, think your thoughts alone without anyone to discuss them with, in fact everything you do on a daily basis you’re alone unless you’ve a supportive family.  Fortunately I’m lucky enough to have that support.

Julie and I always nurtured our family, not because we wanted anything else but for them to grow into well rounded, loving human beings.  Luckily we succeeded, not by design but by accident really.  Sure, Julie read all of the “parenting” books but none of them really prepare you for the task ahead.

So what has this to do with being a widower?  Last weekend I spent a couple of days ripping my eldest daughter, Leah and her husbands’ garden apart to remodel it to make it grandson friendly.  This weekend I spent Saturday with Leah and my two youngest grandsons first at an aviation museum in Tangmere ( let’s face it, all boys like aeroplanes, right?) then on to Porchester Castle because all boys like castles too!

Sunday morning, the younger of my two girls, Hannah and her partner Matt pay a visit with his two daughters (eldest grandson Jack is with his father for the weekend).  Then off to Julie’s mum and dads for lunch, back around 3.30pm to sit and write my first blog for several weeks.

So what has all this to do with being a Widower?  It makes you feel wanted when you feel empty! I’ve met people from all walks of life throughout my 60 plus years and one thing I’ve learnt about folk is they really care only about there own lives because basically it’s human nature to do so! Do I blame them?  Of course not, so I try to live my life quietly and within my family circle which includes a few friends too.  One thing I know though, my life although filled with sadness has purpose in the future.

When you lose someone you’ve been with for two thirds of your life you change.  Your outlook on life changes and somehow I’d like to be able to imprint my life knowledge into others.  I’d like to tell politicians to stop pulling the wool over our eyes.  I’d like to remind doctors that in years past, a medical career was a vocation albeit well paid.  I’d like to remind big organisations, their staff are what makes their companies, not the greedy shareholders.

Finally I’d like to share a little spiritual knowledge, in the light of the upcoming EU referendum:

Change is not something to be frightened of, but, something to be embraced and used to your own advantage and to the advantage of others.

 

 

Life As A Widower 2 (6 months on)

IMG_0069I can’t believe it was six months ago today the love of my life for forty years, Julie, died from cancer.  Do I miss her?  You bet I do, she’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to  sleep.  Only someone whose been through this would understand and I hope although against hope you won’t have to live through this experience, although unfortunately life dictates a good percentage of you will.

Luckily my family are all grown up, although I’m unsure whether this makes it harder or easier for  them,  my two lovely daughters, Leah and Hannah and my son Nathan have been and still are very supportive along with their respective partners, Simon, Leah’s husband, Matt, Hannah’s partner and the lovely Georgia, Nathan’s fiancée.  photo(29)These six, along with my three grandsons, Jack, Archie and Freddie are the main focus of my life, as they too need support from time to time of course.

So what about me?  Well I went to Tenerife in January to visit my long time friends, Linda and Peter, Julie and I had some great times with them and they’re the sort who no matter how much time between  talking or seeing each other, we just pick up where we left off.  I’m off to Gibraltar on March 27th to meet them and to be best man at their wedding on the 30th at The Rock Hotel 🙂  Then back to Tenerife for more celebrations, really looking forward to that trip!  I love the island, I’m able to sit and write without disturbance and have been able to concentrate on my first novel, “Soulmates” which is, apparently, so I’m told, turning into a really good read!

In November I’m flying to Florida with Nathan, Georgia and her parents to look over the wedding venue with them ready for 2018, looking forward to that trip too. 🙂

I’ve learned changing my bedding and fighting the duvet cover every week is a much better workout than jogging.  I’ve found I can deal with almost any problem now because life’s too short to tolerate most of the bureaucratic bullshit that confronts us all throughout our daily lives.  I’ve also learned to say no whenever I feel I’m being taken advantage of.

I’ve found out I’ve high cholesterol, high blood pressure and may be diabetic which is quite strange really because I cook and eat healthily, and I’m always active.  So armed with information, I eat more fruit, don’t take sugar in my coffee and only drink red wine generally at weekends.  I’ve also cut out the medication which treated me for depression, (before I lost Julie and not as a result of).  Do I feel better?  I don’t know, what I do know though is now life has a certain clarity to it, the sort of clarity which makes you unafraid to forge ahead, not be coerced into doing things I don’t want to do just to please.

Are there things I miss apart from my wife?   I miss travelling with her, her witty conversation, her wry humour, companionship, her undivided love.

The one thing I don’t miss?  Julie and I were instrumental in setting up a comedy drama group twenty years ago, did they support her when she was ill, no.  In fact I had to go to a meeting and explain to them how ill Julie was and still they expected us to go down and “help”, they expected me to go and build sets, even when she was having chemotherapy and dying.  Well members of that drama group, I hope you all can live with yourselves, maybe now you believe just how ill she was!  You know the beauty of not naming them is they know who they are, they have to live with themselves because when we resigned from the group due to Julie’s illness, we were never even offered a lifetime pass even though for many years Julie and I worked hard for the group, many times at financial cost to ourselves.  In Julie’s words “Fuck ’em, they’re all up their own arses and have to live with themselves”

Being a widower (or a widow) I guess,  sends you into a world of sometimes darkness, sometimes despair, loneliness at times when you miss the love of your life,  but I think also a voyage of self discovery until you meet the love of your life once more xxxx

Thanks for  reading 🙂

Adapting To Life…..As A Widower

Now heading into my fourth month without Julie, how am I coping?  Well ok I suppose, life has to go on.  I’ve children and grandchildren to think about so giving up has never been an option.  I’ve always been methodical so keeping house is straightforward, of course I did that when Julie was alive.

Cooking too, not an issue, I cook for myself and for Nathan and his fiancé, Georgia, so no problems there, plenty of veg and so on.  Even when they aren’t around I cook. Washing, cleaning, yep the whole nine yards.

Little things make a difference now, like when Nathan and Georgia sit downstairs and talk. When Hannah texts and tells me she loves me, when Leah tells me the boys are missing their Grandad.  I spent an evening with some friends in the New Forest recently, a meal, wine and conversation?.  Then last Sunday, another long term friend, Doctor Sam came for a coffee and chat.  When she dropped me a text a couple of days earlier I found a spring in my step because she was coming.  We had coffee and talked, not about anything in particular, but just a general catchup.  It’s all of those little instances and episodes that lighten my heavy heart.

Conversation with Julie, now I really miss talking to Julie!  Julie and I could sit and talk for hours about all sorts of things.  We could talk about anything and everything, only couples who really “click” can do that.  In fact as I write this I’m drinking tea out of one of her favourite mugs which had the words “everyone is entitled to my opinion” imprinted on it.  To be fair she wasn’t opinionated, she was intelligent and funny!

My children all are very supportive, of course they would be, we’re all code and they miss their mum, but as I tell them, “You’ve your own lives to lead so don’t waste your time, live it!”

So really where am I?  I feel empty, like my reason for being has gone.  I feel numb, like I’m looking from the outside in. I feel guilty because I’ve not shed a tear, so maybe I’m in some delayed state of shock?

Finally I feel anger because no one will ever convince me that had the consultant at the Queen Alexandra Hospital, a certain Mr Gollund, been more efficient and not misdiagnosed Julie’s cancer, then treated her for a fibroid, then Julie would still be here!? Thank god he “mysteriously?”retired on the day the surgeons removed a tumour the size of a six month old foetus from Julie while giving her the hysterectomy he should have recommended two years before.  Mr Gollund, thank you for depriving my grandsons of their Nana, thank you for depriving my children of their mother, thank you for depriving Julie’s parents of their only daughter! Thank you for destroying the dreams Julie and I had!  You’re inefficiency has hurt so many ?.

If you’re reading this, thanks for being my therapist and thanks for reading ????

If contact is sought…..

This picture of the foimageur favourite women in my life was taken around June 15 2015. Julie along with Leah,Hannah and Nathan’s then girlfriend, now fiancé, Georgia were having a pre-party cocktail. It was less than two weeks after Julie had been given the news she had around three months to live, they all look happy???.  So here I am sat in my office, contemplating wether or not to write this next piece.   Well I’ve decided to share something personal with all of you but first let me tell you about a couple of instances which have occured during the last four weeks.

There had been a couple of times when I thought I caught a glimpse of Julie out of the corner of my eye, once when I’d cooked for the whole family on a Sunday.  There have also been a number of times I have heard Julie call me.  More recently early one morning, (I tend to get up around 5-45) I realised my left arm was out from under the duvet, not only that but I could feel the warmth of someone holding my hand I looked up and there was Julie, she smiled then faded away.  I knew it was her because when holding her hand her’s was so small, mine folded around it like a glove.   This morning, I awoke, as usual before my alarm, I was aware of the weight of someone in the bed next to me!   I turned and could feel the person leaving the bed, “thank you Julie” I said out loud.

One more example, I have always had the habit of falling asleep with my spectacles on, Julie would always get out of bed and take them off then fold them up and place them on the bedside table.  The other morning, I found my specs at the bottom of the bed, on what was Julie’s side, the corner of the duvet had been turned neatly back and there were my glasses, folded!??

Now I’m pretty sure many of you are out there thinking, “he’s off his rocker!” but no this is not the case.  When I was a child I used to see people that the rest of my couldn’t see.  I was credited with an over active imagination by my parents.  Even when I was extreemly ill with pnumonia when I was around six years old and I had what I now know was a near death experience, watching my mum sitting on the end of my bed, stroking my forehead, floating way up high while connected to my body with a sort of iridescent cord.  I told my mother the story, she smiled and said “did you darling?”.  I don’t think she really believed me.?

So what’s so personal about all of the above? Well over the last 11 weeks, I seem to have undegone a change, my mind seems once again to be more receptive to all what is happening in the non-physical world.  I think, no I’m pretty sure, the stress of looking after Julie over a period of time and running a business and home somehow has been lifted. Our home is clean and tidy, I’ve swapped the flowery duvet covers and bed linen for some which are more masculine and more to my taste. All of those houshold “chores” which were a drag along with everything else I had going on are now more of a diversion.  Cooking is once again not something which has to be done, but more of the joy it used to be to me.?

Although I’m a widower, I feel Julie is still here and I like to think she’s the one who has promted me to get all the Christmas cards written early, order the Turkey (three weeks ago) do all the Christmas shopping and get the presents wrapped before the end of November.  This year I’m cooking Christmas dinner for twelve including the grandsons, I’m sure Julie will be in the kitchen trying to direct the operation!??

Thanks for reading ?